February 19, 2017
I want to start this out by apologizing to you. When I got the news you of your arrival this morning, there was a lot of hate in my heart. But that wasn’t your fault, and you in no way deserve that. With that being said, let me continue.
When I went to see you, you were all tucked into the standard baby blanket all hospitals give the newborns, and you looked so small. The one word that kept coming to my thoughts was ‘miracle’. Your mother’s eyes were exhausted, but oh so happy. Likewise, there was a light in your father’s eyes that I have very rarely seen, a light that is only visible when he has no words to express his joy.
I didn’t want to touch you. I thought all the evil in my heart might affect you, since you had no way to protect yourself. I know how easy it is to impress things upon others, and you being barely three hours old, you had no barricade against good or bad. You just absorbed everything. But in the end, your father convinced me that it was okay. And so I held you.
You were light, but so very warm. As soon as I brought you close to my heart you snuggled up against me. One of your hands came up near your chin from under the blanket. Although this is such a cliché thing to say, it was so tiny.
Once you were in my arms, I fully recognized the responsibility that had been placed upon me. Not only did your parents consider me family, but they trusted me with the life of their son. And I tell you, I don’t take that lightly.
But as much as I would like to be there for you always, to protect you from all the evil you are so innocent to, I know that isn’t possible. There will be times when I am not there, and not even your parents know what’s going on. There will be times when something hurts so bad, but you can’t speak. And there will be times when others do terrible things to you that will forever leave scars. So I have these words for you. Words from my personal experience growing up with your father.
1. They said you were strong, and I only hope that is true. This world will beat you down so bad, and try to break you. You have to be able to get back up and defend yourself. You won’t always have someone standing by your side, but don’t let that alone keep you from doing what is right.
2. Be gentle. Strength isn’t everything, and without restraint it is even hurtful. So be gentle, and know when it’s the time to stand and fight, and when you need to turn a fist into a comforting hand.
3. Respect your parents. I’ve seen them grow up and how they have matured, and I trust they will do their absolute best to care for you. They and I don’t always agree on things, but I know they follow their morals, and that’s something few do these days. It’s honorable, and they deserve honor. I hope that same passion to uphold morals passes onto you. You may not always see things on the same level they do, but know they love you with all their heart.
4. Don’t abuse your responsibility. I don’t know if more children will come after you, but if they should, your job is to protect them. They will look up to you as the oldest, as will other children younger, and you need to know that everything you do will be judged. Each mistake they see you make will teach them, and every word you utter they will hold over themselves. As the oldest, you create a road for others to follow, so do not lead them to a cliff.
There is so much more I want to say; so many things I could tell you about growing up with your father. But I’ll save those for another time. I’m still overwhelmed, and can barely type this out. But hey, that just means all this is coming straight from my heart, no filters involved, right?
I know you won’t understand what I am saying for many more years to come. But nevertheless, I hope these words sink in when the time is right.
I will protect you as best I can while I am here, for you are precious to me. Your being born has greatly impacted my life, little one. And one day, I hope I can tell you why. But for now…
Just know that I love you.