Lost

“When you truly love someone and lose them, you never fully let go. The same goes for any passion; if you have given everything to the object of your affection, you don’t get any of it back if you lose said object.”


Many times you will watch from afar, wishing you could be there again. Many times you will cry all night, aching with longing for things to have been different. Pour out the tears of a thousand years, but they will never fill the void that has been created.

No. When you truly love, and you form those bonds, there is no escape. And you cannot give to another what you no longer have to give.

 

I’ve told many people I “cannot love”, but that’s a partial lie; at one time, I was able to.

The object of my love and passion was ripped from my life, like a blood-curdling scream from an animal in utter torment. Rough, dry, and merciless.

 

I’ve tried to fill the void, tried to find replacements, or even a solution to regain what I lost. But it’s hopeless. The only thing kinda amusing right now is that my typing keeps auto-correcting ‘tried’ to ‘tired’ which is exactly how I feel after all these years of trying to make things work.

I feel purposeless. I feel like I missed all those opportunities in my childhood, and now it’s too late to start. Everyone keeps saying “you’re young” and “you’ve got you whole life ahead of you”, but what is a long life without purpose?

I feel nothing. I gave it all away at the beginning, and fate stole it. I don’t even have anyone I can blame; no one to pit my anger against. So all that sadness has remained with me.

 

They always say “follow your dreams”. But what if those dreams become nightmares? What if walking the path that looked like heaven becomes a slope leading to hell?

I’ve often wondered that since then. And every time I tried to find a replacement, it always ends up the same. I feel nothing.

Like I said: you only have so much, so if you give it all to one person… one object of affection… and you lose them? You have nothing left.

New seeds need to be planted, and love takes a long time to grow. And bitterness drains all health from the soil. But all the time, dedication, and nurturing in the world will never make you forget what is missing. And this new love will not be as strong as the original.

Fake it till you make it, right? Yeah, well… that doesn’t work in a relationship. That just hurts me and all others involved.

 

So what now? I exist.

My chances to attain my goal is out of reach for this broken heart, and I am far too weak to fight. But maybe I can be a stepping stone for others so they don’t suffer my same fate. Maybe?

Cause if I can’t even do that, why am I here?


Mitchel

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