Maybe if he had known more, he wouldn’t be so mad. But it’s too late now; he would only take it as an excuse.
As previously mentioned, I told Karkat that I didn’t believe he needed to be in a relationship with Sev. It was toxic. We both agreed, and everything was fine. But when I started talking to Sev again, everything went to hell.
I haven’t betrayed him. Yet by reuniting with Sev, Karkat has taken that as me turning against him. He doesn’t understand, and I don’t know how to explain it.
How do I tell him I can detach like that? Where I can’t still want what is best for him, and still be the friend of the one that has hurt him? He doesn’t understand. I have tried so many times, so many way, but he just gets mad.
I understand, Sev hurt him; I’m in no way denying that. And I will never forget it. All actions have consequences. But those consequences should match the deed done. And my friendship has no relation to what happened, and therefore should not be a part of the equation.
Sigh… I just don’t want to fight anymore.
No one knows the agony… what went through my head those 13 days of silence. Or the guilt, regrets, and memories that visited.
I spoke before of a friend that I lost, and what happened in the aftermath. What I didn’t say was how much regret that came with that, because of something I didn’t do.
We are all dying; I get that. But Sev’s death is potentially much sooner than the rest of us. I can’t just watch that happen, and keep my distance. Despite what went on between all of us, none of the bad has come close to equal the good times. So many times when I was hurting, physically or emotionally, Sev stood by me. And that one night the power went out, and I had an emotional breakdown in the dark, Sev stayed on the phone with me, even after he had been in a car accident only hours before.
Now, reading that, one may assume I am a shitty friend. And they would be right. I don’t deserve people that care that.
However. My actions now are not made out of a debt. Even though I clearly owe one. No, my actions now are because I truly believe Sev is my friend. I will not abandon him. And I will sure as Hell not lose a second friend to cancer without them knowing exactly how much they mean to me.