Poetry has definitely been a recent outlet for me. I used to do it more when I was much younger, back before I started writing stories, but it has come to my aid once again. Unfortunately, there is only so much pain you can contain in words on paper.
I used to always be alone, so at one point paper and pen was enough. But now… now that I know what it’s like. Now I can’t handle the isolation. I need someone. Anyone. Just for a moment of there time, to acknowledge my existence.
Roger has so much going on at home. Karkat as well. And Sev… things are at a standstill. I can’t talk to anyone, get show them how bad things are. It will only burden them. And burdens are the first things people get rid of when they are under stress.
So what are my options… keep quiet, and hope I get through? Or throw weight on someone else and hope they don’t abandon me. Honestly I prefer the first, because if they aren’t true friends… finding that out will hurt a lot more.
What if that’s exactly it? What if I am simply another person they have encountered and will use until my needs out-way my assistance? If that’s the truth, I’m done. I can’t keep playing this game if everyone else is cheating.
I wouldn’t be so hesitant, except for how often this has happened before. So many of my past relationships were that way. So now I am afraid to find out.
Despite these thoughts, last night things changed. I had a mental breakdown.
I was shaking. Such violent shaking that I grasped tightly around one wrist just to keep from dropping the phone in the other hand. The pressure in my chest was no longer annoying, but desperate. I couldn’t breathe.
I glanced at my lighter, thinking maybe if I burned my arm, I wouldn’t feel the other pain as much. I had done it before, and it helped a little. But how much more before I grow numb to it, and have to up the levels? I can’t let that happen.
In the dark of the moment, my thoughts screamed in desperation. And I texted Karkat.
My emotions were so high on the scale that I was numb, and I told him so. All I wanted was the agony to stop, and I didn’t care how. If he rejected me in that moment, it was over.
Karkat replied, asking how he could help.