So Much Anxiety

I didn’t realize how bad it was getting until it effected my dreams.

As I have mentioned before, I sing. Recently, on the app I use, I joined a singing group. For the most part, singing is relaxing to me. I am able to chill, let the lyrics flow as they will, and enjoy myself. So when I auditioned, that’s what I did.

But now I am not singing alone. For we are in the process of recording our first group song. Last week, there was a practice call. This week, the real thing.

I completely failed the practice song last week.

Honestly, it wouldn’t be so bad if the app let me delete that and re-join. But with the way it is set up, once you ‘save’ it adds it into the group collaboration as one single layer with the other singers. So you can’t go back and delete your part if there is a problem.

And of course, since we are working exclusively with an app, there could be glitches. Timing offset is a main one for me. It’s ruined so many recordings that would have been perfect.

Sigh… I really hope the system gets improved soon.

Anyways. Since when I joined the practice call, and messed it up, I have been dreading the actual call.

I didn’t realize how bad it was until I woke up this morning and thought I had already recorded it, because I had dreamed that I did. I woke up without stress… until I opened the app and saw the deed was not done.

This happened twice. Because after the realization set in, anxiety took over. And the automatic response I give when hit with a wave of anxiety is to shut down. So I went back to sleep.

Again, I dreamed that I recorded my part. And again, I woke, checked the app, and was left disappointed. At that point, I simply wanted to throw up. My mood was low, and dropping, and I had no desire to actually sing.

That’s when I realized how much delaying anymore was damaging my mental state. So immediately, I made a few practice runs, trying to figure what volume levels were going to work. And then I joined the official call.

Timing was fine. Volumes were a little low compared to the other people that joined, but it wasn’t different enough for someone to be mad about it (except for me, because Perfectionist).

Finally… I can relax.

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